1. Racism doesn't require intention. You can say or do something unintentionally racist. Your non-white mutuals/friends/partners/cousin-twice-removed cannot save you from that.
2. If a person of color tells you that you sound racist, you should reflect on it. Don't double-down. Because then, you sound both racist AND unwilling to do anything about it. It's not about your feelings. Your intentions are irrelevant. Don't make it about you and your character.
3. Criticising a person of color for a bad behavior is valid. ONLY criticizing people of color for said bad behavior is racist. Why don't you call out bad actors who are white? Did you not notice? Does it feel more acceptable? Less aggressive? Think about and reflect on why Person A's actions feel "not as bad" as Person B's. If you cannot articulate it, it might be prejudice.
4. Look around. Do any people of color agree with you? (Don't know any people of color? That's probably an indicator.)
Thanks for writing this, I always feel more secure with some behavioural guidelines
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